What are boundaries anyway?

What are boundaries anyway?

You’ve likely heard the word boundaries when people talk about relationships, particularly when things are not going well. “She’s got no boundaries”, “he oversteps my boundaries all the time”, “I set boundaries, but nobody pays attention to them anyway”. One thing that we all know is that life is full of competing priorities, and often it feels like there are not enough hours in the day to juggle everything. But we keep trying! And then we wonder why we’re feeling exhausted, stressed, and like we’re losing at life.

What I’ve learned from my own experience, and from counselling people for over 10 years, is that when we’re feeling burnt out, exhausted, resentful and overwhelmed, often wonky boundaries are at the heart of this. 

So how do you change this? What can you do to make life more manageable, so that you are able to care for yourself as well as being there for the important people in your life? The answer I hear a lot is “I don’t know”.

If this sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone and this blog is for you.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are one of the foundations of good self-care. They are the personal rules that you put in place when you decide what’s ok and what’s not ok, what you’re willing to do or not do, and who you are prepared to do these things for.

If you spend your life giving all of yourself to others, you are not able to live life for yourself. You lose yourself in everyone else's agenda and can never work on your own. All those thoughts, ideas and desires go unmet and life somehow ends up feeling too full and empty at the same time.

I love this quote from Prentis Hemphill

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

For me, this just sums up what boundaries are all about. Sometimes the thought of setting boundaries is scary because their purpose is misunderstood. Boundaries are not barriers. Effective boundaries don’t separate you from other people. Instead, they make it easier to connect with the important people in your life in ways that are manageable and helpful. They help you to be present in a way that respects your needs, as well as theirs.

Why are boundaries important?

Healthy boundaries are the tool that can help you respect your values and your limits, protect your personal space, and spend time in ways that are nourishing for you. 

When you can set healthy boundaries in relationships it can be a powerful way to reclaim the life you want to live, without feeling like you’re failing at your responsibilities.  They are the sweet spot between being able to be there for others, as well as being unashamedly there for yourself. They create a space where you can say yes to the things you want to do, say no to those you don't, and where you can enjoy your own time and space, without guilt.

What’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

 If you’re already overwhelmed with work, children, caring responsibilities, being the emotional support for all your friends, and you keep saying ‘yes’ to everybody’s requests for your time and energy, there’s going to come a point where you crash and burn. Being all things to all people all the time is not a healthy way to live your life, and it’s not sustainable.

Healthy boundaries will help to keep you well, both mentally and physically. When you are able to put these in place you will be happier, less stressed and more able to look after yourself. You will be more able to care for the important people in your life because you will have the time, and energy to give to the parts of your life that are important to you. You will be less resentful of requests, and more able to give wholeheartedly, with kindness and compassion and giving will become more enjoyable because you won’t feel like this thing that you’re doing is just getting in the way of all the other things you should also be doing.

However, if getting everything done is so stressful that you are running on empty - existing on caffeine, three hours of sleep a night and a diet of crisps and biscuits - you’re not doing yourself or the people you care about any favours. The toll that this will take on your mental and physical health over time is going to be significant, and could lead to a decline in your physical and mental health.

So how will know the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries:

• are assertive

• will help you to be firm about what is ok for you and what is not

• Will allow you to say no to things that you don’t want to do, or don’t have time and energy for

• Will be respectful of your time, energy and peace

• Will be respectful of the other’s person’s feelings

• Will be flexible if you need them to be

They sound like:

• “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to do that for you”

• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it to that”

• “I can’t help with that at the moment, but I’d be happy to help next week”

• “Thank you for your concern, but this is my decision to make”

• “ I could do x, but I’m not able to help with y”

• “This is not something I’m willing to discuss with you. If you bring it up again I’ll have to leave”

• “No”

Unhealthy boundaries

• Saying yes, when you really want to say no

• Ignoring your values to please someone else

• Having poorly defined limits

• Letting other people direct your life

• Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings/happiness

• Accepting disrespectful behaviour

• Being disrespectful to another person as a defence

They sound like:

• “I helped you with x, so I need you to do this for me”

• “I don’t have the time, but ok I’ll fit it in”

• “After everything I’ve done for you…”

• “Well I suppose I’ll have to…”

• “If you loved me you would do this”

What can I do to set healthy boundaries?

I get it - setting boundaries can feel difficult, because doing that means thinking about your needs, and acknowledging that they are as important as other people's. That's not an idea we are routinely taught in life. Mostly we learn that we should meet other people's needs first. It's in the societal messages we learn from a very young age. We're taught that being 'good' and 'helpful' and 'selfless' is the right way to be. But these beliefs are also the road to burnout, anger and resentment when you find yourself at the bottom of the pile all the time. 

I’m not suggesting that you never do anything to help anybody, because that probably wouldn’t be very fulfilling either. And that’s why boundaries are important. They mean that when you give to others, you can do it wholeheartedly from a place of kindness and goodwill rather than from a place of resentment.

When you’re thinking about what you can offer, consider some of these things:

Who you value

Who are the important people in your life? Whose happiness, comfort and success are you prepared to help with?

What you value

What’s important to you? If time to rest, have quiet time at home or enjoy hobbies is a priority for you, saying no to requests/expectations on your time is an important way to prioritise your wellbeing.

Your moral compass

Your beliefs about what’s right and wrong can play a part in choosing your boundaries. If your gut is telling you that a request goes against what you believe in or makes you uncomfortable, it’s ok to say no. And remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence - you can give a reason if you want to, but no one is entitled to demand one.

What you want to do

Will helping a friend move house, or babysitting your niece and nephew bring you joy? Then give your time and energy to those things. But if you’re not feeling it, respect yourself enough to say ‘no’.

What you don’t want to do

Sometimes we can’t get away from doing things we don’t want to do - caring responsibilities, work, study and other commitments are not always a barrel of laughs. But there will be times when you are able to say no to what you don’t want to do - that party or night out, that gym class, or helping someone with something that just doesn’t float your boat. It’s ok to say no, even to the fun things if they’re going drain you.

Time

This is probably the easiest one to think about. Do you have the time to do that thing that someone expects of you? Time is a finite thing - there are only ever 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 365 (sometimes 366) days in a year. You can’t magic more time, and you can’t continue to squeeze things into the time you have. So if you’re feeling like there’s not enough hours in the day, saying ’no’ or ‘not now, but…’ can save your sanity.

Energy

Energy is another thing that is finite. There are only so many responsibilities that you can manage. And managing your energy is important so you can do what you have to do, and find time for the people and the things that you want to spend time on. Pushing through your natural energy levels indefinitely will leave you exhausted, short-tempered, and less efficient at everything. And what happens then is that you end up giving yourself a hard time about not being ‘good enough’ (which would be a whole other blog post!)

Money

It’s lovely to buy new things, and go out and do things, but if it makes finances tight is it really worth it? Hen weekends in the sun, the latest gadget or those concert tickets might leave you feeling more stressed than happy in the long run. And lending people money can create some really difficult dynamics in relationships. It can help to have some financial boundaries for yourself. How much are you prepared to spend on a night out? Who are you comfortable lending money to? Are you comfortable lending money at all? Knowing your boundaries, and sticking to them can ease your mind about money matters.

Goals/aspirations

Your goals and aspirations are the things that are important to you, and are likely not that important to other people. They have their own goals. There are times when anyone might ask for some help with these, and giving that help can feel rewarding if you have the time, energy or money to give. 

But what about your goals? Is helping someone else with theirs taking away from your ability to do what’s important to you? If so, stop to consider whether this is a good use of your resources. How will you feel if your friend/colleague/neighbour/sibling reaches their goal while yours is still unfinished. Bittersweet…happy…resentful? It’s worth considering how this might affect long-term relationships.

Boundaries are about you, not them

It is not our job to control the behaviour of other people. We can only control ourselves - our words, actions, behaviours. So boundaries aren’t about demanding that other people stop or change something. They are about requesting that they do, and letting them know what we will do if they don’t.

• A boundary isn’t “You can’t talk about my weight”

• A boundary is “If you keep talking about my weight, I will have to leave”, or

• A boundary isn’t “You need to stop gossiping about x”

• A boundary is “I‘m not comfortable with talking about someone who isn’t in the room, so I’m going to leave this conversation”

Then what?

So, once you’ve set your boundaries, what then? The truth is that sometimes setting them is the easier part. It can be harder to hold them than to set them, because not everyone is going to be happy about these new rules you’ve made for yourself.

Boundaries can change the dynamics in relationships, especially when people have been used to you being ever-helpful and always available when they need you. They can be inconvenient for other people, and sometimes there is pushback. You might find that your boundaries are tested as the other person appeals to your good nature:

• “I know you’re busy, but you surely could just do this one thing?”

• “I know you said you can’t lend me money, but I’m really struggling at the moment, and this bill has come in…”

• “But you were able to babysit last Friday”.

These are the points where you have a choice of whether to respect your needs or to give in to the needs of the other person, who is not respecting yours. Whichever you decide, there will be consequences to that decision. If you hold your boundary your friend may respect that and stop asking for the things you can’t give, or the friendship might cool off. If you relent and do what’s asked of you, you might find you have to re-establish the boundary and continue to face more of these conversations in the future.

If you’re struggling with boundaries, I hope this blog has made setting some feel a bit more manageable. And if it still just feels too scary, counselling is a space where you can work through the barriers and test out what feels manageable. If you feel ready to explore this, contact me to find out how we might work together.

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Contact me at counselling@tranquillo.group to discuss how counselling might be helpful for you. I work face to face from my therapy room in Falkirk, and online.

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